a piece of the jigsaw according to the Moon

the moon is once again in the sign of Virgo and I find myself plummeting, emotionally. Questioning. Feelings of dread, deep inner loneliness and soul sadness. Every time the Moon transits Virgo, this happens to me. (and at other times too, but its chronic when the Moon is in Virgo). It is not depression, I am still able to function in the world. Its just difficult at times. I don't have the Joie de Vivre that some have.

Just this morning, somehow, I stumbled across an article about the temperaments. I am what is referred to as a Melancholic Personality type. I am ok with that and now that I know, I understand myself a little better. It makes sense, about how I am at times, as if a piece of my jigsaw has been added.

It might sound like I am labelling myself, but it really does help to know why I am, like I am. I seem to have bought some heavy stuff in with me to this life.. double Capricorn [which means I am ruled by Saturn doubly] and an INFJ (another story)] and for fun, lets throw in the fact that I am empathic.

For years, and years, I have wondered what the hell was wrong with me, why I often felt sad within,  struggling to live in this almost foreign place/planet [I feel like a stranger here], my constant search for God when most others are comfortable with their spiritual path. Not me, I have a very deep yearning for God/Divine. And I have a need to sit in meditation, in silence, to be with God. And sometimes I feel, physically feel, the presence of the Divine at these times.
I carry an ache in my heart from this constant yearning. (No use telling me to 'just have faith'..  I envy those who do. Most times, even though I believe in God, I don't have confidence in 'him/her'). I try so many different paths of spirituality, but none fit perfectly. I hover between Catholicism and a kind of loose, earth spirituality with a twist of ancestral folklore thrown in.

Melancholy, according to Google, is ' a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause' 

I am not the type to fill my days with food or alcohol or busy-ness to distract myself from this. Most times, I walk around with a general sadness in my being. I don't like it much at all, but it is something that is pretty much hard wired into me. Its not a dark cloud, just a vague feeling of being lost.

And it is not at all helpful when other personality types, (who don't quite get us melancholics), suggest that 'I pull myself out of it' or 'buck up' or tell me to let go of negative thinking. Because like I said, it is hard wired into me, if I could rip the ache in my solar plexus out, I would. Positive affirmations? um, no. All that does, is makes me feel as I there is something wrong with me, that I cannot flit around sprouting affirmations and find happiness.
Because truthfully, I don't know what happiness is. Or joy. I am not unhappy. Not at all!!. I do laugh. And I do have a sense of humour, a little off centre, but it is there. But that happiness that others seem to exude, that, is not in me. Most times, I walk around in deep, serious thought. I wonder about stuff. Stuff there are no answers for. I go walking in the bush, and I think, think, think. I see things most people miss.

Life.. I have to sit with it, however painful at times, and dissect it, pull it apart, until the feeling passes. and it always does, usually once the Moon moves on to Libra. and don't get me wrong here, don't read into my words that I am depressed. Or that I am unhappy with my life. I am not. I have a most lovely life, I am blessed with what I have. It is just this dreadful, lonely, inner sadness that is part of me. Its bloody difficult at times. and it hurts, physically and emotionally.

Being a Melancholic, I seem to be in very good company though. Most highly creative people tend towards the melancholic temperament :: Vincent Van Gogh, Humphrey Bogart, Albert Einstein, Marie Curie and Johnny Cash, were all melancholics. St. Francis, St. John of the Cross, Catherine of Sienna and St. Therese were believed to be melancholics. Knowing this really does help me.

And that my creative-ness is part of this.

I could wax lyrical about all of this, but I won't. Now that I know, I can try to work with it. And when the Moon comes to Virgo again, I can take to my bed. Or I can have a cup of tea, or sit in my garden and cry. It is all ok.

May you find a harmony between your soul and your life 

John O'Donohue