a new path to travel

I wasn't going to share this story of mine but its time to honour all those before me, who suffered silently, without support.

"always believe : you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think" - Winne The Pooh

I grew up with talk and hushed whispers of people having nervous breakdowns. It was almost as if it were said out loud, then in some bizarre way it would happen to us. I also grew up with the knowledge of mental institutions where those who suffered nervous breakdowns, ended up. Places where people walked around wringing hands with dishevelled hair and crazy eyes. It was something to be avoided at all costs.
I guess that is where my fear of having such a breakdown, came from.

"You are right it was all hushed up and never talked about. People, particularly wives and mothers just soldiered on and pretended all was perfect. Just like the families in the Women's Weekly stories..... I remember hearing hushed whispers when an acquaintance was "taken to the funny farm". " [J] 

that explains a lot...the times my mother would cry for no reason and we kids would be ushered outside to play. Or the times when she took to her bed for days and my sister and I would have to fend for ourselves (Dad was away working)...the poor thing. The advice was a Bex, a cup of tea and a good lie down.

So much trauma in my life and each time, I would just literally carry on. As if nothing had happened. Because that was what was expected.. In my early years, when trauma was happening around me, no-one thought to ask how I was. So I guess my cells just absorbed the trauma and I went along in life. Traumatised but not knowing there was such a thing.

As I grew up, more trauma happened over the years. Not much support, you just ‘got on with it’.
Burying the grief in the daily grind of being a mother and wife. If asked how I was, I would wave my hand and say ‘I’m fine’ then immediately deflect the conversation away from how I was feeling. Even when I had cancer, I would cook on weekends for friends and family to drop by. I 'got on with it' like a champion.

{I know that we all have trauma in our lives, but I seem to have more than my fair share.
Growing up in an unstable home, widowed at 19, (remarried) divorced at 28, miscarriage (16 wks) at age 30 [told by Dr to go home and get over it], cancer (which involved about 5 anaesthetics and barbaric treatment) at 42 [and told to be brave when large needles were stuck into my arm and not to be a baby when I cried about being locked in a radiation bunker for 17 hrs], moving homes  too many times, *plus at least 4 other major traumas in my life which I won’t mention here but they were at the top of any traumatic event list. }
(Oh there has been joy too, a lot of it but this is about my trauma journey and I am not going to skip over it by telling of the joy. The trauma needs to be heard and witnessed.)

Time went on and I was crumbling inside and my adrenals were on their way to near extinction. But I continued on, smiling and consoling others during any crisis.

I started to experience anxiety at times, with difficulty in breathing but as usual I carried on.
Each time something traumatic happened, my body would tingle as if electrified. It was awful. Sometimes I would wake with a jolt and feel as if I needed to escape and would want to run up the road (I didn’t). I was wired, stretched so tight, that it was only a matter of time before I snapped. my eyes lost their sparkle.

I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue stage 3. My adrenals were shot.

I saw counsellors over the years but never let my guard down, never cried. I tried herbs, flower essences and other alternative modalities * let me say here, that I have the utmost love, respect and belief in all these beautiful things but sometimes the ‘big guns’ of modern medicine are needed.

And if one more person tells me to think positive or use affirmations and that it is a choice to be happy, I will scream and slap them hard, because no-one has tried harder than I have to be positive.

I kept telling people that ‘I’m not depressed’, I think more so to try to convince myself that I wasn’t a candidate for the dreaded nervous breakdown.

Until recently:: and my body literally said stop. Extreme panic attacks, anxiety and uncontrollable grief.  A panic attack while in a café, where I just had to leave, and inconsolable crying.

And now, I think I’ve come to a place where I need help. I’m not sure what and I’ll leave it up to my Dr. Hopefully I can find a way to be a little happier.

I may be an INFJ and a melancholic temperament and ruled by Saturn, twice. And it really doesn't help that I am a mystic and an empath. But that is how I came in to this life.

And yes, this may be something that I carry in my genes from ancestral trauma, but I am blessed to have been born into a time when there is modern medicine available to help. So I don't have to suffer like my ancestors did.

"Whatever gets you through your life.  It's all right, it's all right" - John Lennon

But. I’m scared. I’m afraid that if I take chemicals that I will lose the essence of who I am. I am scared that I will lose my quirkiness, my eccentricity. I feel as if I have failed my soul. I feel as if I’ve failed my much-loved herbs who have supported me for years. And weirdly I am even scared of losing my melancholic soul self..

I am scared because I have lived with mental health issues with my Uncle Brian, [even though it wasn’t referred to as mental health back then], I saw his mental breakdowns, I saw his medications and the effect and I am bloody scared.

I afraid that I will lose friends like I did when I had cancer. When people could not cope with my diagnosis, they literally crossed the road to prevent being faced with it and me. I am afraid that I will lose friends because if I am diagnosed with a mental health issue, they won’t be able to cope or they feel that I may be too needy (and heaven forbid if I ever become needy, I have always been the strong one) but you know what? I have Joe and my family and a handful of very close friends who DO Understand, who are there for me, even if I cry. Instead of trying to stop me crying, they cry along with me and they share their stories and they make me laugh.

So there you have it… I am on my way to embracing mental illness, maybe living with it.. I am scared, but I am on a path of discovery. Of healing. I can still have my beautiful herbal teas and tinctures. And I need to remember that there is no shame in being diagnosed with mental health illness.

the lead up to Bealtaine

as Beltaine looms, once again I find myself struggling with the whole concept of the wheel of the year. Beltaine is my least favourite 'sabbat'.

at this time of year, it is also coming up to All Saints and All Souls day on the church calendar and at this time of year, I am drawn, once again, to the church. Every year at this time. I don't know why. Maybe too many past lives spent in Abbeys or convents. But there is a drawing, a pulling of my soul and I am following. And I know that when I go, I will be disappointed because what I am craving, really doesn't exist anymore. I crave the Olde religion. The true religion. But in this time, it does not exist. That is why I must create it for myself.

"Like billowing clouds, Like the incessant gurgle of the brook, the longing of the spirit can never be stilled.” Hildegard  von Bingen 

It is so difficult to combine both my earth spirituality and my catholic faith but I do try. I understand now, that I must follow my own interpretation, taking what I love from both and combining them into something that suits ME. Whether it is right or wrong, it is the only way that I can be spiritually fed, nourished and satisfied.

So, for us below the Equator, beginning October 31, halfway between Spring Equinox and Midsummer, on the wheel of the year here, it is considered to be Beltaine [or Beltane or whatever].

There is nothing set in stone of how things were done, so what I am doing is reading, and even then, it is only hearsay, So many have tried to transpose the northern wheel onto our southern but it is so convoluted and confusing,  so I take what resonates and fits and take it from there.

Beltaine ::
homes were apparently decorated with May flowers, which are flowers of the common hawthorn, found in hedgerows. We can't buy them here because they are considered noxious weeds. Most ridiculous!! How can any plant that was created by God (or whoever created it), be noxious?!

The making of May bushes were another thing. As was visiting wells and feasting.

We don't have Holy Wells as such, we have fonts in churches full of Holy Water but I cannot see any priest or reverend allowing me to tie clooties around that! However, I know just the place. A small natural well, hidden amongst ferns, on a walk that I take often. I can visit there and leave offerings and ask for blessings. Plus I have my own holy well here at Afallon, a beautiful, big, blue pot, full of water which I dedicated to Brighid a few years ago. And between you and me, I have an idea to ask Joe to create a well somewhere in the garden. fashioned on one that I saw in England.

oh and feasting I can definitely do. I would love to do this with friends but this year, we are in the middle of renovations and it would not be possible. So just a simple wholesome meal shared with Joe will suffice. I will make it lamb which links me back to the past, ancestors.

and making a May bush - a thorn bush was decorated with flowers, ribbons and bright shells. I think this would be a lovely thing to bring into my own celebrations. I shall find a branch, maybe the flowering quince across the laneway, its very thorny and I shall get some colourful ribbons to tie to the branches, along with shells and flowers. Apparently, it is said, that the intention was to bring to your home, blessings of the tree spirit.  And I shall tie ribbons in the trees and around my garden.

At Beltaine, in times past, apparently, rituals were performed to protect cattle, crops and people.  I can do this too. For my chookpen, and my garden and for Joe and I. And as it was a Celtic custom to light a Bealtaine fire, I want to do something like that but this year, I am not quite prepared for a bonfire so I shall burn frankincense resin and waft it around my garden and home. Next year, I shall have a Bealtaine fire, I hope. Because the Beltaine fire was said to have protective powers.

I will offer Bannock (oatmeal cakes) to the spirits for protection of my chickens, and I will offer some to the animals that might try to harm them :: one for fox and one for hawk.

Doors, windows and byres were decorated with yellow may flowers. Sometimes the flowers were made into crosses or garlands and tied to the door. I like this idea. I will try to fashion a celtic cross.

From what I am reading, churches in Scotland and Ireland still celebrate these wheel of the year dates, they may be Christianised but at least they are still honoured. Here in Australia, the churches are too Calvinistic or Wesleyan and too uptight to allow things like this. More is the pity.

so my version of Beltaine is sorted for this year ... now we come to All Saints and All Souls. This time is often referred to as AllHallowtide, but it does not fit here really. It is not Hallows/Samhain here (no matter how many Halloween things you can buy in shops).

Besides going to mass for these days, I have decided to create my own Litany of Saints.... going something like this ::

Lord have Mercy, Christa have Mercy, Lord have Mercy

St. Michael : pray for us
All  Holy Angels : pray for us
Oh Holy Mother Cypress : pray for us
Spirit of the Apple and Cherry: pray for us
St. Therese of the Little Flower : Pray for us
Spirits of the Holy Thorn : pray for us
St. Joseph : pray for us
Our Lady of the Shining, Tumbling Water : pray for us
St. Hildegarde : pray for us
Holy Mother of the Divine within : pray for us
All holy ancestors : pray for us
Our Lady of Sunshine and butterflies : pray for us
Spirits of the Holy and Healing herbs : pray for us
Mary Magdalene : pray for us
St. Dorothy and St. Lucy : pray for us
Holy Mother of the Laneway and Hedge Hermitages : pray for us
all the holy insects, bees and hoverflies : pray for us
Spirit of all Life : pray for us
Spirit of our guiding star : pray for us
Blessed Mother, Stella Maris : pray for us
Mother Moon : pray for us
all celestial beings : pray for us

and then, I shall insert names of friends who ask.

'As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end'

See what I mean about confusion, though? But with a little tweaking over time, I hope to come to a wheel that suits me. It might be wobbly and purists on both sides might develop a nervous tic, but so it is.

So that is that for this year, Bealtaine sorted. I shall plant some primroses and marigolds and a hawthorn tree, one that is not considered a noxious weed and I shall celebrate to my souls content!

a piece of the jigsaw according to the Moon

the moon is once again in the sign of Virgo and I find myself plummeting, emotionally. Questioning. Feelings of dread, deep inner loneliness and soul sadness. Every time the Moon transits Virgo, this happens to me. (and at other times too, but its chronic when the Moon is in Virgo). It is not depression, I am still able to function in the world. Its just difficult at times. I don't have the Joie de Vivre that some have.

Just this morning, somehow, I stumbled across an article about the temperaments. I am what is referred to as a Melancholic Personality type. I am ok with that and now that I know, I understand myself a little better. It makes sense, about how I am at times, as if a piece of my jigsaw has been added.

It might sound like I am labelling myself, but it really does help to know why I am, like I am. I seem to have bought some heavy stuff in with me to this life.. double Capricorn [which means I am ruled by Saturn doubly] and an INFJ (another story)] and for fun, lets throw in the fact that I am empathic.

For years, and years, I have wondered what the hell was wrong with me, why I often felt sad within,  struggling to live in this almost foreign place/planet [I feel like a stranger here], my constant search for God when most others are comfortable with their spiritual path. Not me, I have a very deep yearning for God/Divine. And I have a need to sit in meditation, in silence, to be with God. And sometimes I feel, physically feel, the presence of the Divine at these times.
I carry an ache in my heart from this constant yearning. (No use telling me to 'just have faith'..  I envy those who do. Most times, even though I believe in God, I don't have confidence in 'him/her'). I try so many different paths of spirituality, but none fit perfectly. I hover between Catholicism and a kind of loose, earth spirituality with a twist of ancestral folklore thrown in.

Melancholy, according to Google, is ' a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause' 

I am not the type to fill my days with food or alcohol or busy-ness to distract myself from this. Most times, I walk around with a general sadness in my being. I don't like it much at all, but it is something that is pretty much hard wired into me. Its not a dark cloud, just a vague feeling of being lost.

And it is not at all helpful when other personality types, (who don't quite get us melancholics), suggest that 'I pull myself out of it' or 'buck up' or tell me to let go of negative thinking. Because like I said, it is hard wired into me, if I could rip the ache in my solar plexus out, I would. Positive affirmations? um, no. All that does, is makes me feel as I there is something wrong with me, that I cannot flit around sprouting affirmations and find happiness.
Because truthfully, I don't know what happiness is. Or joy. I am not unhappy. Not at all!!. I do laugh. And I do have a sense of humour, a little off centre, but it is there. But that happiness that others seem to exude, that, is not in me. Most times, I walk around in deep, serious thought. I wonder about stuff. Stuff there are no answers for. I go walking in the bush, and I think, think, think. I see things most people miss.

Life.. I have to sit with it, however painful at times, and dissect it, pull it apart, until the feeling passes. and it always does, usually once the Moon moves on to Libra. and don't get me wrong here, don't read into my words that I am depressed. Or that I am unhappy with my life. I am not. I have a most lovely life, I am blessed with what I have. It is just this dreadful, lonely, inner sadness that is part of me. Its bloody difficult at times. and it hurts, physically and emotionally.

Being a Melancholic, I seem to be in very good company though. Most highly creative people tend towards the melancholic temperament :: Vincent Van Gogh, Humphrey Bogart, Albert Einstein, Marie Curie and Johnny Cash, were all melancholics. St. Francis, St. John of the Cross, Catherine of Sienna and St. Therese were believed to be melancholics. Knowing this really does help me.

And that my creative-ness is part of this.

I could wax lyrical about all of this, but I won't. Now that I know, I can try to work with it. And when the Moon comes to Virgo again, I can take to my bed. Or I can have a cup of tea, or sit in my garden and cry. It is all ok.

May you find a harmony between your soul and your life 

John O'Donohue